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Letters
Vol 1. No 2. November, 1997
Book Review
What Your Mother Doesn't Know
Homosexuality: The Secret a Child
Dare Not Tell.
Mary Ann Cantwell,
Rafael Press, California,1996.
123 pages, 362 baht.
Available from Kinokuniya Books at the Grand Emporium
Plaza.
When I came out to my mum, her main concerns where my religious well being - had I talked to a priest? Did I need to? Did 'this' affect my faith? - and to let me know that she still loved me. What she didn't say was "Yes I know. I've known for years, since your were in nursery school, from the way you dressed, the games you played, the presents you asked for, the friends you had, and a million other things." What she didn't say is one of the themes of the book Homosexuality: The Secret a Child Dare Not Tell. Mary Ann Cantwell is 74 years old and mother of ten children including her gay son, Mike. When he told that her that he knew in "some vague way when he was five or six about his homosexuality but at the same time he knew the need for circumspection" she was shocked to realize that she was a factor in Mike's need for secrecy.
This book, in part, is her attempt in coming to terms with her collusion in his silence. Cantwell sent out surveys to gays and lesbians and the parents of gays and lesbians. The questions are as interesting to answer yourself as they are for the replies she received. Typical of the questions she asked were, "At what age did you have an inkling that your emotions and interests did not match familial and societal expectations of one of your sex?" and "How do you think, or imagine, your childhood would have been different if you were born into a society where sexual orientation made no more difference than say, hair color?" On the central theme of the book about when gays and lesbians first realized they were in some way different, Lilly said "I was very young (4th grade). I just remember playing house with my neighbor friend and liking it. From that point on I would have dreams about being with the same sex. These dreams made me feel good inside." From Cantwell's very small survey, she averages lesbians' knowledge of their differentness at 6 years and 8 months, and gay men's about 4 months earlier. Parents' realization, on the other hand, is much, much later. She cites an example:
"Our daughter left home for postgraduate studies. Previously she had all boyfriends and few girlfriends. Shortly afterward our daughter told us she was gay and having a lesbian affair. "This relationship continued to grow and prosper. Today she is married to her lesbian partner and about to have our second grandchild."
This book makes fascinating reading for
all gays and lesbians. Through it's short case studies it
shows that from a very young age, many of us understand
the messages from society, religion, school and family
that homosexuality is wrong, and how easily we slip into
the role of protecting our parents from the bad news of
who we really are. Some of the voices in the book show us
just how emotionally and mentally damaging that cover-up
can be. This book should be essential reading for
doctors, social workers, teachers, politicians and
religious leaders. More importantly, it should be
essential reading for all parents.
- Nuala O"Sullivan
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