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Vol 1. No 2. November, 1997
Butch Among The Straights
Crab Boy with Jennifer Bliss
A personal account of the difficult balancing act of surviving as a lesbian in Thai society
Before I discovered Anjaree and Utopia, I was alone among straights and had only two or three gay friends. If I think about all my different straight friends, male and female, and how they react to me as a tom, I could categorise them into three groups: gay friendly, so-so, and anti-gay. My gay-friendly friends accept me as a lesbian and never put me down for it. They do not consider homosexuality a sickness or a deviance, but view it as a characteristic found only in some people. Moreover, they are interested in understanding gays and are supportive in their own way. They read books and see films about gays, and take me as who and what I am. I feel relaxed and warm with these friends.Unfortunately, I only have a few buddies, both men and women, who are so accepting.
The second group is mainly comprised of
women who didn't recognise my lesbianism at the beginning
of our friendship and, over time, accepted me as a
person, but not as a lesbian. These so-so friends don't
like gays and express their aversion openly, mainly
focusing on physical issues, for example, "You are
just a fake," or, "I want a real one."
This kind of light-hearted teasing is not meant to hurt
me, but at one time, it deeply shook my self-confidence.
I must give this group of friends some credit, though, as
they do seem to understand my feelings towards people of
the same gender. However, they see my attraction to other
women in terms of one individual having feelings for
another individual. To them, a same-sex relationship is
not wrong if they think of it in these terms.
But when they associate the relationship with gender,
they think it is definitely unacceptable.
Finally, the anti-gays. They are mostly male and aggressively homophobic in their views. While the first two groups of my friends accept me as an individual who is different from them, this third group perceive me as a woman who wants to be a man and they treat me as though I were a threat to them.
My gay-friendly and so-so friends have a slight tendency to try to get me to change my sexuality, but my anti-gay friends seem annoyed with my masculinity and take every chance they can to try to change me. Their focus is on anatomical issues as well as social ones. The way they tease me on matters of anatomy is not just kidding around, but a challenge, and a thinly-veiled threat. Their milder comments refer directly to the penis how proud they are to have it and to use it to entertain women. Their more serious challenges are about physical strength. When we have an argument, they dare me to fight with them so they can prove that they are stronger than me. I've never actually fought any of them, though. Each time I have risen to their challenges, they have avoided violence by feigning kindness for not beating me. Such intimidation has, at times, undermined my self-esteem.
These so-called friends of mine also suppress me socially by being against every relationship I have with a woman, and by encouraging my other friends to do the same Most people probably face similar situations. It's hard to know what is the best thing to do. You could decide that it's just not worth the pain and trade in your old friends for some new, gay -positive ones. Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that it's OK to be gay, and that you have right to love.
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